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I think its more painful to know that you hurt someone you truly care for than it is to be the reciever of the wrong. At least it feels that way for me right now. Apparently I have hurt someone whom I love dearly. Whom, over only the course of a few weeks, has endeared himself to my heart in an inexplicable way. I can't explain why it hurts so much that he is not talking to me. I can't explain why I cry myself to sleep over it. I just know that it is hard to breathe. I can make myself look happy for the people around me; but inside my body aches with regret and longing to take back those words that caused him to be so upset that he can't forgive me.

Apparently he finds it easier to forget me than I can him. Apparently I cared more for him than he did me. Apparently I am too fragile to wear my heart on my sleeve; but unfortunately for me, I can't help it. I've tried to build up walls, tried to stop myself from feeling - its not in my nature. It's impossible. I'm vulnerable and heartbroken and so very, very sorry. No normal person would be this upset, but I can't stop the tears. I feel like a very sad country song with the whiny notes of despair warbling through the air - hoping to be eased by the only person that can match the tune. I hate feeling this way. I hate heartache. I hate hurting people that I love. I 'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I wish you were here so that I could show you how much pain I'm in. To hug you and love you, and beg you for forgiveness. I'm so, so sorry.
Current Location:
outside my house
Current Mood:
sad sad
Current Music:
the cars on the interstate
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Both my supervisor and my boss will be out of town for two days. I started feeling good yesterday just thinking about it. I'm also super excited b/c I've lost some weight and actually have kept myself on track these past few days. I'm thinking this could be the changing point for me. Thanks Michael for being so hot - ur a great inspiration, now only if I could do some voodoo to keep u single until we meet and u fall in love with me. And thanks to Brian for loving me and finding me sexy regardless of my size. Ur support and luv makes me feel desirable enough to continue on the journey to my goals.
Luv ya babe.
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So I'm such a loser at times. I don't even know where to begin.
Forgoing the usual, "It's been months" bit, I am just going to start with how miserable I feel today. I really have a love/hate relationship with my whimsical side. I love that I am carefree enough to just run away with my emotions, thoughts, and ideas but I hate that I am quixotic enough to believe in these dreams that always come crashing down around me. I lately have fallen in love with two boys. One whom is real but unattainable by geographical default and whom I believe had fallen in love with me too, but that I kind of crushed his hopes time and again so he wouldn't get hurt or think me attainable. And now, I chat and e-mail him and I guess to protect his own feelings, he is trying to be nonchalant about it all. But I miss him telling me that he cares for me, I miss him putting off all of his other activities to chat with me. I miss the attention and the desire that he used to show. I'm an idiot and I'm selfish.

The second guy is a freakin superhuman, amazing person whom I probably will never meet in my life. I'm seriously considering ways to get close to him but all of these ways would require me not to have any tie downs. And right now, the biggest one for me is 3 years counting. I have to finish school. Have to. It seems insurmountable right now and is the main reason I can't get up and go to Baltimore to try to meet this guy that encaptures everything I want in a person.

I HATE my job. I HATE my boss, but I can't leave Tulane and I can't seem to find another job anywhere in the system. I am tired and dreary and all I want to do is cry. I am taking on an epic journey to physical self-health b/c I don't think that anyone can really love me if they saw me. I wouldn't - I couldn't. This task also seems insurmountable. If only the tide would turn in my favor in just the job area, the rest I can cope with. I can make it work. I'm the only one who can change my body. I'm the only one who can get school on the right track and hopefully finish earlier than 3 years from now. The rest is fate.

I sit here at work, crying. I don't know how much more I can handle before a full out melt down. I'm trying to keep it cool, calm, and collected but everyday seems a little bit harder. I know I'm dramatic, but I can't really help it. I'm thinking that anytime I get this upset, I'm going to take out my frustrations in the form of exercise. This way I will at least be able to use it to my advantage by getting a work out. I'm too drained to even edit this so it's being poseted as is.

Sometimes life sucks!
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Apparently I've been tense lately because my TMJ has been hurting nearly every morning. It has been months since I've been able to write in my journal, but I have been writing new ideas for books and I usually get about the first page or so written before I put it down. Once I put it down though, I usually can't get back in the groove of that story and must start anew with a whole new plot or storyline. Of course, it doesn't help that my days last from7Am to 9:30 pm of straight work and school when the weekend comes, I am dead tired and have all my errands from the week to run. Four classes out of the way though...it will be worth it. I've got an exam today. Must study. Hopefully I'll be able to write again before another 6 months pass.

Yours,
Lynds..

Current Location:
work
Current Mood:
running on empty
Current Music:
Kaiser Chiefs
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Belle

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My days seem to run together lately and I can not tell what project I am working on from one minute to the next. I have been tirelessly running from place to place, errand to errand. This weekend, I worked one of Missy's craft fairs on Saturday and when I got home I just crashed. I forgot I had a semi-date and wound up having to call the guy and apologize b/c I had slept right through it. Great first impression. He was very nice about it all, but I haven't heard back from him and his good friend Nic (who set up the date) said that he was going to give me some time for my life to calm down a bit before he calls again. I don't know if I'm just not managing my time correctly or if I'm just overloaded. Either way, I took a good long nap on Sunday too and now I'm feeling refreshed again and have the energy to take on the world (at least for a little while).

Tomorrow night I have a double-booking and am still trying to figure out how to manage it. Tough part is that both engagements are at 7:00pm. Well, have more work to do before the day is out.
Current Mood:
bouncy bouncy
Current Music:
She Works Hard for the Money - Donna Summer
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My lone grey hair has turned white. It's funny how stress cultivates without you even know you were stressed to begin with. Noticed the grey a few months back. probably about a year ago. After the storm and when returning to work. it was just there. A long hair - bottom half brown, top half grey. It was amusing. I pulled it out, planning to keep it in a scrap book to remember that Katrina gave me my first grey hair. However, as I went to the restroom today and looked at myself in the mirror (I don't actually look at myself but maybe twice a week and ony then in passing) I noticed, sitting atop my full chestnut head of hair, a white string - uterrly obvious to the unaided eye. Just sitting on top. Starch white. I pulled it out and marveled. It was beautiful. It was a pure, crisp and clean white. 24 and my first white hair - I knew this was going to be a great year.
Current Mood:
amused amused
Current Music:
Hot Legs - Rod Stewart
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Met you in the cafeteria. You were rather charming amidst the tomato and chicken. Veggie problems. You craic me! I have not met anyone in quite a long time that made me laugh from the moment of our meeting until we said goodbye (except that one gay guy, but sexual orientation is of the utmost concern at this point - so technically he doesn't count). Anyway, it was nice. I'd like to do it again. Soon. Could we chance meeting again today? Talk some turkey...whatever that means. All I know is that you could have my white meat anyday if you keep me laughing like you did amongst the lettuce.
Current Mood:
amused amused
Current Music:
Cheeseburger in paradise
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I have loved you my entire life. When still in my mother's womb I would dance to your lively music and excite for your spicy foods. And I have no doubts, NOLA, that you have given me love in return. Love in the form of friendly strangers, charming anecdotes as told by locals in the bars, noisy streets, shotgun houses, wrought iron fences, roman candy, streetcars, family-friendly suburbs, decadence, art houses, museums, and sporting events. You have shown me love in shading my picnics and book readings under your enormous oaks. You have shown me love in harboring my secret nights of dancing, drinking and cab rides home. You stole my heart and ruined me for any other city.

In return, I will fight for you. Fight for your chance to second-line. Fight for your chance to create amazing music. A single storm can not break your spirit. We have become one, you and I. Melded into a single waxen lady. We are a poor city, yes. But we are also a proud city. We believe life is to be lived to the fullest extent it will allow. Our people live here their whole life and become not a part of the city, but the city itself. You are our brothers and sisters America. Washington DC, you are our father and mother. Do not turn your back on your prodigal child just as she turns to you for a comforting hand. Embrace her and she will endear herself to you.

Faithfully...
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I spoke with Meli again today for the fifth time. I'm actually getting excited about going on this cruise. November will be a good time to do it too. Less expensive than summer rush, cooler weather in the gulf, no scary winding roads, and multiple destinations for my passport stamping. I do hope we get a big and diverse group together. I like meeting new people and I want to my friends to feel comfortable around each other as much as I'd like to feel comfortable around my friend's friends. I thin we are looking at a good trip. I hope Mel comes. Even if she moves, I hope it doesn't deter her. I enjoy her company and think she'd have a good time visiting the Mayan ruins at the various stops. I hope K gives it a shot. He seems a nice fellow and I wouldn't mind getting to know him better. Shame Mo can't make it. She is loads of fun and always has great sexcapades to share. Wonder if FF is going to show up? Not really my type, but we will be together for quite a long time.

Possibilities everywhere. This is going to be a fun trip.
Current Music:
Cruisin' - Smoky Robinson
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